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Monday, March 13, 2017

The Independent Woman Syndrome- Let Him Take Out the Trash

As a woman who grew up in a home of two others; my single mother and my hot-headed sister we learned to be self-sufficient and kind of a hard ass without even being told to be such. I never really quite noticed how much of a “too proud to ask for help type of independent woman” I was until I got into my first real relationship. Now don’t get me wrong an independent woman is great and quite frankly we are glorified in the media; but in the real world an independent woman in the flesh can be quite irritating and I’m saying this as one. Yes having your own money, good credit, property and 4 wheels is essential, as you never want to be in a position where you get left or divorced and you are 35 with no credit, no knowledge of how to pay a bill, change a tire, and no place to live. I would never want that for any of you. But if the man wants to take out the trash then let him! I know that’s hard to swallow for women that are like me but it’s true. 

I was just walking in the house as I got my nails freshly filled and toes painted to match as I had a little extra disposable income for the month and decided to treat myself as if paying my bills wasn’t enough pleasure (sarcastic but true). Any who, I entered my mother’s house walking like a duck with my boyfriend right behind me. My mom greeted us both and she said “Josh can you take the trash out when you le-"  before she could even finish the command even though it came out in question form, I snapped and said “I do it all the time we don’t need him to do it, I’ll walk it out now”. Josh and my mom looked at me confused both thinking “what the hell is that about?” This happened multiple times during the span of our, so far, 5 year relationship and still continues to at times. That’s because I can take out the trash and I can lift the groceries in the house. I’m not incapable and I was thinking letting him do this made me seem incapable and that I need someone else because I can’t survive on my own. And that’s not true, I can carry groceries with the best of them and unpack them at record numbers. I can carry gallons of water at a time and take three trash bags at a time to the dumpster that stands about 400 feet away from our house. I would say I’m pretty good on those tasks, but once again if the man wants to take the trash out then dry your toes and let him girl, it’s not that serious he is not taking away your power as a woman, he is trying to help you out like a man should when in a mature, mutually beneficial relationship. 

There are ways to still be independent within a relation- have your own spending and savings money so you can do what you want when you want, you don’t have to ask for permission to buy shoes, a bag or even a Panera sandwich when it’s your own money. But if he says he wants to treat you to that Panera sandwich even though you got it and you both know you got it, then let him feel like he can take care of you and buy that sandwich. Now when I say let him “take care of you” many people immediately think money, possessions and the ultimate, GOLD DIGGER. But a man taking care of you doesn’t just mean finances, in fact it has nothing to do with money, many times it’s talking, consoling and being their physically and emotionally. This right here, is where independent woman drops the ball- many times we are too proud to admit we need emotional things from men, this is where the independent syndrome kicks in. We think if we show him we need him he’ll have something to hang over our heads and us independent women cringe with the thought of that but that should not be the case if you have the right one. For instance, in the beginning of our relationship I had a doctor’s appointment to do some screenings and tests, I wanted my boyfriend to come and I sort of kind of hinted to that. Long story short he told me he wasn’t coming because he had to work and he said some words that remained in my mind ever since, he said 
“Jessica you always tell me how strong you are and how you can handle things alone I knew you were strong enough to do it now too”, and I responded saying yes I could but I don’t want to handle it alone. But how would he have known that since I always beat it in his head that I don’t need him and I’m strong enough to handle any and everything on my own? And to top it off I never blatantly said I want you to come, I need you there. Because I was too proud to use those words. I wanted him to know I was strong and capable, too proud to ask for anything but assume I needed him at the same time. And in the famous words of Kanye, “How Sway?” 

I had to find the balance of being independent but vulnerable and open to letting a man be there for me when I do need something. If your car is broken down and it’s in the shop don’t do like me and pay for an Uber when the person who is supposed to be your partner has a car, all because you don’t want him to feel you need him, because sorry to say but you do. You need him to make you laugh sometimes, calm you down when your coworkers drive you crazy, any maybe even to help you carry out the trash, and that is ok. That does not take away the fact that we are self-sufficient and could make it through life without a man paying our bills or changing our tires. But sometimes a man wants you to let him change the tire.

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